I spent the whole day being bothered! (minus a few opportune moments of sipping poisonous coffee at pretend-to-be-all-that-so-we-can-charge-you-your-retirement-savings-for-a-miniscule-latte Starbucks, and dog-paddling in my therapeutic pool class for crippled people, where I floated rather than swam and was out of sync with the class and required special guidance like in Spain during my futile-but-bravo attempts at Flamenco!)

With sword in toe, numchucks in purse and steam coming out of my ears, I fought bankers, credit card companies and salesmen, all in one day!

I called the mortgage banker (mortgage means “death” – die bankers!) using my Fred Flintstone flip go-phone with duct tape on the back due to the battery falling out, and got cut off several times! And it was NOT because of my 1-hectare-coverage go-phone! After losing the battle of shaving 2 painstakingly boring hours off of a process that I insisted was inefficient (they are bankers! What do they have to do all day but collect mula and sit in their marshmallowy chairs with banker butt imprints), I redirected my efforts elsewhere!

World War III was just getting started when I went to the store to return the smart phone I bought on an impulse 2 days ago because I was mad at the Tax Assessor (another “don’t bother me story!). The snazzy jazzy salesman with his crisp white shirt and shadowy black tie (perhaps he was a Mormon) approached me with his up-to-no-good tactics. I refused to let him talk me out of returning the phone, even though it is much smarter than mine. I want to be in the dark ages, where people don’t bother me!

I figured out why I’m so busy.

Today I proceeded to the coffee shop to do my “to do” list, which has several unique travel sites I need to mine to figure out anything possible out of this world to do while visiting TX and FL, which appear be more dull states with claim to fames such as “world’s largest cowboy hat” and “come here and die because we are famous for hurricanes! (pleeeeeeeeese take me back overseas where kangaroos kick you and Japanese pretend to like you!). But I did not get to any of those sites, which by the way were added solely for me to avoid getting EIN numbers for our IRAs and avoid the evil tax clutches of CA (another story!).

On my way to the coffee shop I detoured to CVS to get snacks for tonight’s World Champ Toastmaster event to keep Wayne alive and non-cranky during the yippy-yay-lets-learn-how-to-speak event. I spent far too much time in the carbohydrate isle, analyzing the ingredients put forth by the evil advertisers who are trying to kill me with high fructose corn syrup and unhealthy saturated fats. I wrote on my hand all the fats I saw in the packages (because I didn’t have a piece of paper because I have ADD!) with the aim of researching every one to figure out just how evil the marketers are. After buying slightly-less-than-cause-me-to-kick-the-bucket-now snacks, I departed the store, arrived at the coffee shop, and, before I could down 20 sips of my poisonous-sucralose-laden coffee, started a battle with Hotmail, who is irritating the heck out of me with their unsolicited Skye integration and obnoxious clutter in the folder pane! I went on a research rampage to find solutions to kill Hotmail and Microsoft’s evil attempt to take over the world with their buggy software! Before you knew it, I was updating my technical SOP with all solutions known to man and then re-ordering text and revising fonts.. why? Because I have OCD! Now, let me take another sip of my poisonous coffee and get back to work.

I wonder what tomorrow holds with my busy life of being retired.