Today I went to the doctor

Today I went to the dentist

Today I went to the dentist. I was really, really scared. All I could think about was the sharp instruments and poisonous radiation machines. I couldn’t even remember why I was going. I just knew I didn’t want to hear “lowly patient, you have a cavity and now we must put mercury disguised as silver in your coffee-stained teeth mouth.” I’ve come to learn that mercury is best outside the body than inside the body but who am I to argue with my dentist who wears a white coat & doles out free cheap toothbrushes which make me feel indebted to him for life. When I arrived and was called in & escorted by my hygienist, I was relieved to hear she reviewed my records & found no cavities, but reminded me of my non-white teeth (because I am still addicted to coffee despite giving up ice-cream). The whole experience was painless minus the constant jabs into my receding gums & not being able to listen to my ipod because my hygienist wanted to tell me about the weather, which was not my favorite topic in school. It was topped off by a big dose of bubblegum flavored, cavity-inducing fluoride goo right on my choppers (which didn’t make any sense because we patients are grownups and only kids are addicted to bubblegum, that’s why they keep coming back to the dentist) and a future appointment… which will most likely involve a poisonous radiation machine and more weather updates.

(Mar 2019)


 

Today I went to the doctor

Today I went to the doctor. I wanted to fix that dry, persistent cough that has been haunting me for two months ever since I inhaled the highly nutritious yeast powder ever since I’ve been on my health kick to prevent me from visiting my socialized healthcare. But I found my way back to the socialized healthcare… with fear & trepidation. I knew my doctor would do something to try to kill me (because meds & radiation are like candy to her). But I had a plan. I would be super compliant, not overwhelm her with all my health issues (like last time when she got mad at me for making her type too much in her computer). Once I got past driving through the hood (seriously, there was a body on the sidewalk & three guys were trying to flag down a cop car that accidentally (or purposely) didn’t see them due to doughnut brain fog) flew by. I felt like it was normal because of all those times we drive through the hood on the way to work at 5 am and a zombie is walking down the middle of the street (perhaps high on drugs, I don’t outrule sugar). Once I approached the big pink glittery socialized healthcare building (so fancy in contrast to zombie land thanks to taxpayer generosity). I checked in and went through my routine of sitting on the fat man’s weight machine to find I lost a pound (because muscles rapidly deteriorate when you’re a couch potato). I was then greeted with good news that my vitals were great even though my heart was racing like a humming bird on crack & my blood pressure was like a dead man. I then answered all the questions like clockwork (I’ve been through this routine a million times & have yet to figure out why I am tortured through this tedium except that the clerk has job security). When I was asked my cycle, I made up something like “three weeks ago” (three is always a magic number) & let her do the math with the antiquated, taxpayer-funded calendar on the wall. I was just glad they didn’t ask my age because I never know except I type in google “How old am I” and google always tells me but I wasn’t in front of my computer so I was vulnerable. The scariest question came last: “have you had your flue shot”. I gave the confused patient look and said “a little while ago.” I since learned there’s this little metal called mercury in that needle that might be bad for you but it’s taboo to discuss (like religion, politics or “Trump is up to no good”) so I made like “maybe next time I’ll get it”.  Whew, onto the next question. “What is your preferred learning style.” I never know so guess “visual” because God gave me two eyes.  Maybe someday this entry in my medical record will become useful when the doctor sifts through 500 pages to find my learning style so he can figure out how to tell me it’s time for my mammogram.  I was then escorted into the doctor’s office & she was obviously happy. I had only come in for one problem & she would not get carpel tunnel typing up all my problems in the antiquated taxpayer-funded computer system. (I was secretly withholding my other twenty-two problems because I can figure them through google). After verifying all kinds of useless things in my medical records that nearly put me to sleep (& I don’t sleep) she asked the ridiculous…”are you still taking your vitamins”? Doesn’t she know they have those poisonous red dye colors that are banned in Europe due to some kind of “bad for humans” thing? I didn’t have the heart to tell her I threw them in the trashcan and decided broccoli & fish might be better. All I can remember after that is a few taps on my chest with the doctorly stethoscope, being coached to breath in and out (which I can never figure out how to do, that’s why I failed at yoga), & saying “ah” with my tongue hanging out like a rabid dog in the hood. I said “I think powder got stuck in my throat.” She said “no”, you have a drainage problem, and I’m giving you antibiotics” (that scared the beejeebies out of me because I learned through google that those cure-all pills kill millions of good bugs in my gut… yes, it is possible for bugs to be good – I used to play with sow bugs, and worms weren’t too bad, although spiders remain on my banned list… what’s a kid to do when they grown up in backwoods Oregon). I asked if there was anything else I could do that might be more natural. She mentioned honey but I would have to buy myself (probably because socialized healthcare couldn’t buy it because they spent all the money on the pink building).  I compliantly shook my head in the “yes” manner (some cultures this might mean something different but in my culture it means “yes doctor I will do whatever you say because you went to sixty years of medical school and are in debt for life”). She topped it off with one other goodie… a freebie x-ray, evidently because it does no damage whatsoever to my radiation-averse body.

(Feb 2019)


 

Today I went to the dentist

Today I went to my socialized healthcare system dentist. I did this after the night before relaxing on my IKEA chair with my freebie lumbar support they gave me for my crooked back, & after this morning putting on my dork shoes made especially for people with messed up feet. From the giant parking lot packed with a million disability stickers (to save people who need exercise as medicine the hassle of exercise as medicine), I walked 25 steps to the giant pink building completely funded by taxpayers & it has extra walking space too (probably for all the crippled people who traverse the halls on the way to their deathcare appointment). I got free lethal x-rays & was greeted with congratulatory news from the overweight but super friendly dentist (probably because they don’t study nutrition in dentist school but working for socialized medicine is super comfy). The news of no cavities (because I gave up sugar but not coffee) was super exciting but the news of really bad stained teeth was not (because I drink coffee but gave up sugar). But no worries because it was all balanced out for goodness because the happy dentist prescribed me free teeth-sensitive toothpaste (for my receding gums because I am getting older but don’t do crossword puzzles). He even sent it to my address because didn’t want me to have to walk to the pharmacy (& get exercise) & the postage was free (because it’s socialized medicine). I can hardly wait for my toothpaste because it saves me $2 (and is probably poisonous).

(Dec 2018)


 

Today I went to the doctor

Today I went to the doctor. I got into the car and drove through the wintery rain. I managed to not get in a wreck on the way but was scared when I went through the hood (because they drive crazy there like they pop some pills or something). I approached the big pink socialized healthcare building otherwise known as VA. It stood out so gloriously against the hood it resides within. I felt safe in the parking lot because bad bad VA cops who are actually federal cops, which scares me even more than the hood, circulate the parking lot looking for crippled criminals. I walked over 200 feet to get into the building (because an appointment at noon means you have to park far away (where a bus can pick you up because you don’t need exercise). I got my blood drawn & it hurt because a woman who looked like she was just out of high school pricked me, and she was talking to her other needle pricker coworkers about what they were going to cook for dinner that night (and it wasn’t healthy). I wondered why all those women prickers had to be crammed into a room pricking people when robots could probably do it better. I then sat in the big giant lobby to allow time for the two hours of lab draws to get into the antiquated VA system & get to my antiquated VA doctor to know what diseases I have. As I sat reading (something foreign in that hospital unless you count shopping at little vet-owned kiosks in every nook and cranny of that hospital as reading), I caught a whiff of popcorn everywhere being munched by patients. I wondered if broccoli would cure them and save them the trip to the hospital. I got a call from my doctor saying I could show up early. I thought it was strange to receive a call directly from a doctor but chalked it up to my likeability or her earlier patient was a no-show due to excessive popcorn consumption. So I show up early and wait just as long as if I would have showed up on time, but no worries because it’s socialized healthcare and no one moves fast in that building. I tell the doctor all my ails and pains and she tells me I have too much and it causes her to type too much. She says she’d rather just treat me so has me lay on the bed, lift a leg, breathe and do something else I can’t remember. I was up in a jiffy and all better (to get out of there), as I drove home confident that the hood, cops, and doctor were all just part of the healthcare system looking out for my best interest.

(Dec 2018)

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