Today I went to the grocery store thinking I’d find something for my sustenance and survival (which makes me think of CA mudslides, earthquakes, droughts… and LA more-dangerous-than-a-7-11-at-1am-in-the-hood congested roads with crazy drivers!). I meandered down the coffee aisle (because I got distracted and forgot I needed sustenance), and just as I approached the health food section (previously I was allergic to this aisle but now I embrace it because I want to live 10 years longer just to experience CA cancer-inducing sun rays!)... I found more poison than you can shake a stick at!
If I had a genie wand, I would wave it and send snail mail hell into oblivion!. I just got on the computer and evil Microsoft redirected me to MSN, which distracted me by its headline “10 Things that will soon disappear”. I couldn’t resist and clicked the bait because I have ADD and secretly hoped all the obnoxious things in the world would disappear and got super excited when I saw slide 9 about mail, but then became super despondent when I realized that only the only thing going away is the big blue mail box. There was no inkling of snail mail hell obliteration in Microsoft’s bandwidth-intensive, pile-of-poop article. Please excuse me while I go pour a pile of tears over a 4×9 inch white envelope.
I received 3 snail-mail-hell letters from 3 officiously odious tax authorities, all sent by the mafia to take me out with an AK-47 and ninja numchucks!! I frantically emailed my CPA to rescue me from this I-wouldn’t-wish-this-on-my-kids-even-though-they-caused-me-distress-my-entire-parental-life and this-crap-paperwork-is-more-painful-than-climbing-mt-fuji-and-childbirth-combined!
I am dodging the flying bullets and paper cuts as I type this!
I can’t prove it but I think Dale Carnegie got me a free coffee!
I was in an unusual amicable mood this morning as I sauntered into Panera for my daily coffee. I had a slightly-better-than-Mona-Lisa smile on my face because perhaps I had osmotically soaked up the Dale Carnegie stuff we’ve been learning through “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” Before I could gleefully pay my overpriced $2.90 for a cylindrical piece of flimsy paper full of poisonous bean juice, the cashier said “coffee’s on us today!”
You too can get a free coffee… or at least a few less enemies which you are painstakingly aware of if you’ve been listening to strategies of war! Just take a magic happy pill and listen to Dale Carnegie’s book!