Today I went to the doctor

Today I went to the dentist

Today I went to the dentist. I was really, really scared. All I could think about was the sharp instruments and poisonous radiation machines. I couldn’t even remember why I was going. I just knew I didn’t want to hear “lowly patient, you have a cavity and now we must put mercury disguised as silver in your coffee-stained teeth mouth.” I’ve come to learn that mercury is best outside the body than inside the body but who am I to argue with my dentist who wears a white coat & doles out free cheap toothbrushes which make me feel indebted to him for life. When I arrived and was called in & escorted by my hygienist, I was relieved to hear she reviewed my records & found no cavities, but reminded me of my non-white teeth (because I am still addicted to coffee despite giving up ice-cream). The whole experience was painless minus the constant jabs into my receding gums & not being able to listen to my ipod because my hygienist wanted to tell me about the weather, which was not my favorite topic in school. It was topped off by a big dose of bubblegum flavored, cavity-inducing fluoride goo right on my choppers (which didn’t make any sense because we patients are grownups and only kids are addicted to bubblegum, that’s why they keep coming back to the dentist) and a future appointment… which will most likely involve a poisonous radiation machine and more weather updates.

(Mar 2019)


Today I went to the doctor

Today I went to the doctor. I wanted to fix that dry, persistent cough that has been haunting me for two months ever since I inhaled the highly nutritious yeast powder ever since I’ve been on my health kick to prevent me from visiting my socialized healthcare. But I found my way back to the socialized healthcare… with fear & trepidation. I knew my doctor would do something to try to kill me (because meds & radiation are like candy to her). But I had a plan. I would be super compliant, not overwhelm her with all my health issues (like last time when she got mad at me for making her type too much in her computer). Once I got past driving through the hood (seriously, there was a body on the sidewalk & three guys were trying to flag down a cop car that accidentally (or purposely) didn’t see them due to doughnut brain fog) flew by. I felt like it was normal because of all those times we drive through the hood on the way to work at 5 am and a zombie is walking down the middle of the street (perhaps high on drugs, I don’t outrule sugar). Once I approached the big pink glittery socialized healthcare building (so fancy in contrast to zombie land thanks to taxpayer generosity). I checked in and went through my routine of sitting on the fat man’s weight machine to find I lost a pound (because muscles rapidly deteriorate when you’re a couch potato). I was then greeted with good news that my vitals were great even though my heart was racing like a humming bird on crack & my blood pressure was like a dead man. I then answered all the questions like clockwork (I’ve been through this routine a million times & have yet to figure out why I am tortured through this tedium except that the clerk has job security). When I was asked my cycle, I made up something like “three weeks ago” (three is always a magic number) & let her do the math with the antiquated, taxpayer-funded calendar on the wall. I was just glad they didn’t ask my age because I never know except I type in google “How old am I” and google always tells me but I wasn’t in front of my computer so I was vulnerable. The scariest question came last: “have you had your flue shot”. I gave the confused patient look and said “a little while ago.” I since learned there’s this little metal called mercury in that needle that might be bad for you but it’s taboo to discuss (like religion, politics or “Trump is up to no good”) so I made like “maybe next time I’ll get it”.  Whew, onto the next question. “What is your preferred learning style.” I never know so guess “visual” because God gave me two eyes.  Maybe someday this entry in my medical record will become useful when the doctor sifts through 500 pages to find my learning style so he can figure out how to tell me it’s time for my mammogram.  I was then escorted into the doctor’s office & she was obviously happy. I had only come in for one problem & she would not get carpel tunnel typing up all my problems in the antiquated taxpayer-funded computer system. (I was secretly withholding my other twenty-two problems because I can figure them through google). After verifying all kinds of useless things in my medical records that nearly put me to sleep (& I don’t sleep) she asked the ridiculous…”are you still taking your vitamins”? Doesn’t she know they have those poisonous red dye colors that are banned in Europe due to some kind of “bad for humans” thing? I didn’t have the heart to tell her I threw them in the trashcan and decided broccoli & fish might be better. All I can remember after that is a few taps on my chest with the doctorly stethoscope, being coached to breath in and out (which I can never figure out how to do, that’s why I failed at yoga), & saying “ah” with my tongue hanging out like a rabid dog in the hood. I said “I think powder got stuck in my throat.” She said “no”, you have a drainage problem, and I’m giving you antibiotics” (that scared the beejeebies out of me because I learned through google that those cure-all pills kill millions of good bugs in my gut… yes, it is possible for bugs to be good – I used to play with sow bugs, and worms weren’t too bad, although spiders remain on my banned list… what’s a kid to do when they grown up in backwoods Oregon). I asked if there was anything else I could do that might be more natural. She mentioned honey but I would have to buy myself (probably because socialized healthcare couldn’t buy it because they spent all the money on the pink building).  I compliantly shook my head in the “yes” manner (some cultures this might mean something different but in my culture it means “yes doctor I will do whatever you say because you went to sixty years of medical school and are in debt for life”). She topped it off with one other goodie… a freebie x-ray, evidently because it does no damage whatsoever to my radiation-averse body.

(Feb 2019)


Today I went to the dentist

Today I went to my socialized healthcare system dentist. I did this after the night before relaxing on my IKEA chair with my freebie lumbar support they gave me for my crooked back, & after this morning putting on my dork shoes made especially for people with messed up feet. From the giant parking lot packed with a million disability stickers (to save people who need exercise as medicine the hassle of exercise as medicine), I walked 25 steps to the giant pink building completely funded by taxpayers & it has extra walking space too (probably for all the crippled people who traverse the halls on the way to their deathcare appointment). I got free lethal x-rays & was greeted with congratulatory news from the overweight but super friendly dentist (probably because they don’t study nutrition in dentist school but working for socialized medicine is super comfy). The news of no cavities (because I gave up sugar but not coffee) was super exciting but the news of really bad stained teeth was not (because I drink coffee but gave up sugar). But no worries because it was all balanced out for goodness because the happy dentist prescribed me free teeth-sensitive toothpaste (for my receding gums because I am getting older but don’t do crossword puzzles). He even sent it to my address because didn’t want me to have to walk to the pharmacy (& get exercise) & the postage was free (because it’s socialized medicine). I can hardly wait for my toothpaste because it saves me $2 (and is probably poisonous).

(Dec 2018)


Today I went to the doctor

Today I went to the doctor. I got into the car and drove through the wintery rain. I managed to not get in a wreck on the way but was scared when I went through the hood (because they drive crazy there like they pop some pills or something). I approached the big pink socialized healthcare building otherwise known as VA. It stood out so gloriously against the hood it resides within. I felt safe in the parking lot because bad bad VA cops who are actually federal cops, which scares me even more than the hood, circulate the parking lot looking for crippled criminals. I walked over 200 feet to get into the building (because an appointment at noon means you have to park far away (where a bus can pick you up because you don’t need exercise). I got my blood drawn & it hurt because a woman who looked like she was just out of high school pricked me, and she was talking to her other needle pricker coworkers about what they were going to cook for dinner that night (and it wasn’t healthy). I wondered why all those women prickers had to be crammed into a room pricking people when robots could probably do it better. I then sat in the big giant lobby to allow time for the two hours of lab draws to get into the antiquated VA system & get to my antiquated VA doctor to know what diseases I have. As I sat reading (something foreign in that hospital unless you count shopping at little vet-owned kiosks in every nook and cranny of that hospital as reading), I caught a whiff of popcorn everywhere being munched by patients. I wondered if broccoli would cure them and save them the trip to the hospital. I got a call from my doctor saying I could show up early. I thought it was strange to receive a call directly from a doctor but chalked it up to my likeability or her earlier patient was a no-show due to excessive popcorn consumption. So I show up early and wait just as long as if I would have showed up on time, but no worries because it’s socialized healthcare and no one moves fast in that building. I tell the doctor all my ails and pains and she tells me I have too much and it causes her to type too much. She says she’d rather just treat me so has me lay on the bed, lift a leg, breathe and do something else I can’t remember. I was up in a jiffy and all better (to get out of there), as I drove home confident that the hood, cops, and doctor were all just part of the healthcare system looking out for my best interest.

(Dec 2018)

Minimalistic grandkids say the darndest things

Praying for the gingerbread man

Cindy: “I walked into the living room to find Evelyn sitting down saying ‘AMEN.’ I asked her what she was praying for.”

Evelyn: "The gingerbread man."

She then proceeded to say "I eat the gingerbread man."

(Feb 4, 2019)



On flight to DC....

Renee pointed to the picture of the lady with the oxygen mask on.

Renee: "Mommy, I want to do that."

Cindy: "No Renee. You don't want that. That means the plane is going to crash."

(Dec 18, 2018)


One feet… big feet

Sarah to Evelyn: “How many feet do I have?”

Evelyn: “BIG feet.”

(Dec 30, 2018)


Figuratively speaking

Chris to Evelyn: “Are you going to grow to be six feet?”

Evelyn: “Yeah.”

Renee: “No, Evelyn only has two feet. See, one, two.”

(Dec 20, 2018)


Time warper

Cindy: I told Renee that we would be visiting Grandmommy and Granddaddy on Thursday.

She got super excited.

She then got grumpy and tired into the tonight, and started crying, saying she wants to go to Dallas today.

I told her "Today is Monday, we will go see Grandmommy and Granddaddy on THURSDAY in three days."

She then said: "No, today is Wednesday. We see them tomorrow"

(Oct 8, 2018)


The battle of the toots

Sibling rivalry can be over significant or insignificant things.

Renee toots, and Evelyn says: "I tooted.”

Renee says: "No Evelyn, I tooted."

Evelyn replies: "No, I tooted."

The battle goes on until Renee starts to cry and get hysterical because it's not Evelyn's toot, but her toot.

Then she brings in the parent. "But Mommy, I tooted, NOT EVELYN."

(Sep 2018)


Two worlds

It was Show & Tell, and the theme was money.

Cindy gave Renee money from a couple of different countries

Renee retorted: "Mommy, I’ve got money from all over the world. And from our world too."

(Sep 20, 2018)


Entomology & botany get mixed up

Renee: "Mommy, can you take the antenna off of my pear?"

Cindy: “Honey, that's STEM.”

(Sep 10, 2018)


Eagles & poop (how to get out of trouble)

After school:

Renee got some poop on her tutu so she had a change of clothes.

When I asked how she got poop on her tutu this was her response:

"The eagle flew into my school and pooped on my tutu. Then my teacher walked in and said ‘EEW’"

(Aug 21, 2018)


Reading makes you healthy

We've read this graphic novel series called Might Jack that Renee really likes. In it they plant a garden that grows super big. The different fruits/peas you pick out give you super powers.

All of a sudden, she is super keen on eating lots of snap peas. She ran up to me today and said she was super strong, fast, and mighty because of her beans.

(Aug 21, 2018)


Gecko chasing (& future herpetologist)

Renee and I were trying to catch a gecko.

It ran into a bush and we couldn’t find him.

She said “it’s OK mommy. He’s camouflaged. Now we can’t see him.”

(Aug 15, 2018)


Naming nails (in an anthropomorphical kind of way)

Sitting on the stairs playing nails that were left over from the construction of our apartment complex…

We named them bendy, two, potatoes, short stuff, tomatoes, white and Thomas.

(Aug 15, 2018)


Scaredy pants

It is possible to be afraid of everything…

No not trucks, or driving cars, or even a car driving by.

At the library, Evelyn refused to walk to the car because a UPS truck was parked next to it.

Was the truck being unloaded with a scary UPS worker? Nope.

Was the truck loud and running? Nope.

Did someone honk the horn? Nope.

It was simply sitting there parked.

Other accrued fears: Puddles, flies, slime, animated cute pig (from "Sing"), Santa Claus, Easter Bunny…
(July 17, 2018)


Germ lover (& future outcast)

Renee after using the potty.

Renee: "I don't have to wash my hands because I'm growing big and strong."

Cindy: "No, you do, go wash your hands."

Renee: "OK, but when I’m an adult I won't have to wash my hands."

Cindy: "No, me and Daddy wash our hands still to get the germs off."

Ramifications: She may get away with this when she is a grown-up but reap dire consequences by coworkers & bystanders who refuse to dole out high-fives and hand-shaking.

(July 11, 2018)


God is in control

Logan's shoulders started peeling from an old sunburn.

Renee said: "Your skin is peeling. It's okay, God will make some new skin."

(June 1, 2018)


How to get out of swim lessons

After starting swim lessons, Renee said:

"Mommy, I don't like when they make me jump in the water. I don't like getting my EYES wet."

"Mommy, I’m not a shark. They have gills and breathe underwater...I can't breathe under water."

(March 22, 2018)


Outsmarting the puppet

We have a Big Bird hand puppet and Renee loves having conversations with him.

Big Bird: "Yum, yum, yum. Renee tastes so good."

Renee: "No you can't eat me."

Big Bird” "Why not?"

Renee: "Because there's bones inside of me.”

(March 22, 2018)


Learning about adipose

While visiting Chick Fil A full of people who like lots of burgers, Renee had to go to the bathroom.

While on the potty she said:  "Mommy, when people grow older do they get fat?"

(April 24, 2018)


Grankids' parents do the darndest things


Imaginary car theft

We were headed to ice cream to celebrate Renee having no accidents. Logan and I had a bit of a freak out moment when my key would not open our door. I tried multiple times and it wouldn't turn at ALL.

In my mind I’m thinking "how am I going to get to my physical therapy tomorrow, and I need to get this figured out before Dallas on Friday!"

I looked up a thing online that included WD40....didn't work.

I called road side assistance and he opened it for me.

I sit down in my car to start it and..... it’s EMPTY. OMG, we've been robbed!!!!! Wait a minute... they even stole our car pads that keep the seats clean? this doesn't make sense. and its way to clean, no shoe stains from the kids.

THIS IS NOT OUR CAR!  I JUST HAD A MAN OPEN A CAR THAT IS NOT OURS.  I jump out and lock it again (undoing the work he just did). He doesn't speak good English so he's a little confused. I explain that our neighbors have a car identical to ours but since it was dark I didn’t notice it had no car seats!

He said this never happened to him before.

(Feb 19, 2018)



Minimalistic famousness!

How to be famous... just stand by someone famous!

Roger Staubach, NFL MVP, Dallas Cowboys quarterback

George Ross, former Trump Counsel & 'Apprentice' advisor

Michael Gerber. e-Myth author

Robert McDonald, former Secretary VA

Minimalistic grandkids go to school!

Our grandkids are so minimalistic that when they started Montessori school they quickly found they can do lots of cool stuff... without owing anything!